The Vile, Vile, Varia
by VariantIllusionist
Summary: "The Good, The Bad, & the Ugly" Who doesn't love that movie? Well, this is a Western-style Varia Arc, more Varia POV. How cool would it be if that Arc took place in the Wild West? Inspiration: "My Name Is NOBODY" Rated T for safe-T.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Ne ne my first _story_! It's a western-style version of the ring battles, taking place when Squalo got back to Howahkan town - the town were the Varia re stationed. Two of my OCs are in the story: Rikki & Nikki Regis. And since this is western, everyone get's not-Italian last names **(don't shoot!)**: Squalo Sawyer, Bel Paisley, Machakw "Flan" Conway (a Hopi-American boy), Lucille "Lussuria Urbain, the mysterious Mammon, Levi Allen Than, & Xanxus Hearding.  
><strong>**I'm sorry! I was watching ole western movies with my dad! **

**The accents & substitute cuss words suck so don't kill me for that either. I used a website for Western-slang expressions. Please expect the guns & shootin' & awesome stalemates to come ver' soon. Yeah, original weapons _and_ guns. Twice the awesome for Xanxus. Now I better stop neglecting my in-the-making Hetalia story or my friend Cap'nKelliApple will hunt me down at school.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own KHR, or this story would be a nice little special.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

A cowboy returned to his town with the box he was sent to retrieve. The cowboy lowered his hat a bit, masking his silver eyes from the harsh western sun. He came a full 3 leagues from another town and was eager to rest.

"Cheh." His horse galloped its way through townspeople and to a capacious, four story house. The cowboy kicked the door open, "VOOOIII! I'M BACK! With the effin' rings."

A man in a dress, Lucille, or better known as Lussuria, met Squalo at the door. "You're so loud Squ. Calm it a bit, will ya?"

Squalo scoffed, "We're that boss? He got me running miles down south to get him a freakin' box from a kid. Heck, then he just sits here doing nothn'?"

"Upstairs," Lussuria says.

Squalo glared before leaving since he has to figure out which floor. 'Top of course,' he thought. 'Always on the top.'**(A/N: Took me a day to see the yaoi allusion)** He got to the fourth floor with no other disturbances, surprisingly. The subordinates ran away from the Boss's suite as if Chuck Norris was there; Xanxus was surely inside.

Squalo barged in, "VOOOIII! I got ya box o' rings!" He tossed the navy and gold box onto the mahogany table. "Got me runnin' around like a headless chicken," he muttered.

Xanxus took the box with a glare. Complaints—that's his job. Xanxus opened the steel box and took out a ring, the sky ring, and examined it closely. With a growl, he gestured for Squalo to stand next to him. "What's it?" Xanxus made Squalo's head meet the desk. "GWAAAH!"

"You addle-headed kasu," Xanxus replied.

"VOOOIII! What the hell?"

"These are the real freakin' rings." Xanxus broke the sky ring between his index finger and thumb, "Y'all been fooled."

Squalo flinched a little, "Dash! Freakin' Bronco was ther'! Bet he switched them rings!"

Xanxus sighed at this. Then he threw his whiskey-filled glass at the poor shark's head, "Get to tellin' the rest of them: We're movin' for those brats and we're leavin' tomorrow morn."

Squalo shook his head, clearing it from the glass shards. "Vooii…" He then scoffed and walked towards the door, "Like I give a darn." Xanxus glared. Squalo sneered, "Fine, I'll go tell the devils."

Xanxus leaned back into his 'throne', "Or you're dead meat."

Squalo slammed the door behind him. 'Another mission already,' he thought. A girl with raven-black haired and a cowhand's attire stared up at him with hazel eyes, "Ya goin' somewhere?"

Squalo sauntered right past her. He asked, "Which one are you? Rikki or Nikki?"

The girl punched his shoulder, "Rikki! Get a fixn' to r'memberin'!"

"I fancy I don't want to," Squalo said.

Rikki followed him, "So~, what's goin' on? You goin' on another mission?"

"No," he replied. "We're all goin'—tomorrow mornin'."

"Where to?"

"To those brats down south; go get to tellin' everyone."

"M'kay~," Rikki chimed, skipping off.

Squalo went down a flight of stairs to the third floor and his room, where he could finally sleep. Until Bel woke him up in twenty minutes just to annoy him. "VOOOOIIII!"

"Ushishishi, Lucille wants to see ya," the blond chuckled.

Squalo growled like a furious wolf (do sharks growl?) and slithered out of bed. 'Neeva get my own time in this freakin' place!' he thought angrily. But what could he do? He's a Squalo.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Plez, review. I'm off to eat ice cream - er - do h/w. Sowwy this chapter's so short & cliffhangy, I have to get ahead in The Count Of Monte Cristo. I'll be back with an update soon.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Finally! Update! So much homework... T~T**

**Well go ahead and R&R. Still a bit short, but I'm working on making them longer. I've been having very little time recently to do anything. Now I want a cookie...**

**Disclaimer: Pretty Boy Land is not mine, mumu...**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

Lucille was waiting down stairs like Bel said he was. He waved a gloved-hand at the shark, "Whoohoo~! Now Squ-honey, I hear that we have a mission. What did ya do?"

Squalo could only stare. _That's what I was called for?_ He growled again. Luss gestured frantically, "Oh honey! Don't get madder than a March hare now! Just a question."

Squalo sighed, "Vooii… The rings, are fake—" Lucille gasped. Squalo waited impatiently for the Mary to calm down and gesture to go on. "Vooii, then Boss got ravin' distracted and announced that we're goin' down to settle this with them brats. Cheh, so we got 'til morn to get ready."

Just then, a little Hopi boy ran in with one of the twins behind him. Squalo barked, "VOOII! RIKKI! MACHAKW! STOP RUNNING!"

Little Hopi Boy stopped, holding on tightly to the wool hat on his head, "… No~… My name is Flan!"

Lucille giggled, "Flan? Since when?"

The twin spoke up, "Well—I'm Nikki. And Rikki and I thought that Mak-w was too hard to say. So we called 'im Flan!"

Flan looked up with his clover-green eyes, "That's a puddin'!"

Lucille guffawed with a special Flangasm. I mean, how much cuter could he get? Squalo rolled his eyes. But deep inside, where ever his heart his, he smirked at the kids. He couldn't help it. Lucille was towering over the two devils, "Aww~~ now 'Flan', it's hot out. Why're we wearin' that hat?"

Flan stood on his tippy-toes and hummed his answer. "Hmmm… It's cuz this hat's snug as a bug."

Squalo pushed him slightly, "Vooii. Go up and get to bed. It's getting late."

"Are we gonna take over a bunch of villages?" Nikki asked.

"Vooii, no we're not. We're not Vikings."

"Can we be Vikin's?"

"Who're Vikin's?" Flan asked.

"They we're big guys who took over places," Nikki explained.

"VOOII!" Squalo warned. The little ones swarmed up the stairs, laughing and, for Flan, staying blasé.

Lucille patted Squalo's back and allowed him to returned to him room.

The next morning was a calm-sort-of-hectic: Levi's horse had smugly bucked him off her back. Bel took this as an opportunity to make fun of him whilst Mammon sat atop of his head. The twins annoyed Squalo to death, causing him to take two extra bottles of whiskey for himself. Flan apparently wanted to get his own horse like Sempai-nii, aka Bel, and not get stuck with Lucille. And lastly, dear Boss Xanxus was giving everyone an evident Evil Eye for not being able to shut up.

Finally, everyone was set. Xanxus took off first, followed by his Second-in-Command, and the rest fell in line with Levi being last. Xanxus had concocted a plan that would help him snatch his right title as "Vongola Decimo."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Play the epic *Jump On It - Western-style* as BGM. Yeah~**

**Ok. I may go on a 2 week-long hiatus unless I have access to a computer in Haiti. (winter break) But I'll have a bunch of ideas by the time I get back.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I'm back~~! Merry late Christmas and Happy New Year~! (Ahaha my first post of 2012)**

**Ok, I finally have chapter three out. I came back from Haiti a while ago... And we had Internet there at times but I was having so much fun I totally forgot about the story... Sowwy... Anyways R&R per favore, arigato gozaimasu.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own KHR, though I really wanna. When's the next meteor shower?**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

Way up north, a machine like no other way being made; a Mosca, or Gola Mosca as this one was called. The name Gola was taken from the demon of gluttony, Gula. Its creation has been kept secret even from other members of the Vongola, as the Mosca was a robot. The kidnapping of the Nono has already taken place, and he was being taken to this secret base to be stored into the Mosca. The Mosca will then be taken by night to a town right before Poderoso, the home of the Vongola kids. There, Xanxus will take the Mosca into his possession and carry out his plan.

"Boss!" _Ah hell no,_ Xanxus thought. Levi's horse trotted beside his own. "Boss! I can hurry and go scoutin' for ya! Is that ok Boss? Bo—"

"Shut. Up. Ya'll get my back up. Go boil your shirt," Xanxus retorted. _Seriously, this idiot; I don't care a continental about him. _

Levi recoiled at the even more livid tone in Xanxus's voice, but he saluted, shouted "Yes Boss!" and galloped off for Poderoso like greased lighting. Xanxus furrowed his brows, trying to figure out how these underlings can get more annoying.

Just then the twins were laughing uncontrollably. Xanxus glanced back for a moment only to see Lucille reaching over for Squalo and the marksman recoiling as far as he could. Bel was commenting but Xanxus was just a bit farther ahead and couldn't hear. _Kasu_; they were always fussin'. He shook his head and tossed his hat back a little. The noise seemed to get louder. Irritatingly, louder. The noise still rose.

Xanxus glowered back with a glare so scary the Devil went and got saved. He snarled, "If ya'll don't shut up I'll knock ya'll on the head and tell God ya'll died.

And then there was silence.

* * *

><p>The Varia stopped at a small town to rest. Even they have to save energy to kill each other.<p>

"VOOOIII! BEL!" Squalo yelled.

The blond teen sauntered to his superior. He asked in a sweet tone, "What is it Commander Squalo, shishishi?" He knew that Squalo was going to ask him to do something.

Squalo pulled the twins and Flan from nowhere, "Here, take 'em somewhere to eat."

Bel cringed a little, "Eh? Why me? Why can't Lucille do it~?"

Squalo glared, "Because he's busy. Now ary you take them to get hot dogs and whatever or I'll get annoyed and take it out on you." Bel frowned but took the twins' hands anyway. "Vooii Bel, DON'T GET INTO TROUBLE!"

Bel laughed, "Ushishishi, yeah~~." _Trouble finds me naturally._

Flan held Nikki's hand, "Hot dogs?"

"Hot dogs!" the twins shouted in unison.

Bel walked with them to a restaurant. He ordered for the little ones and paid. After eating her hot dog, Rikki tugged on his shirt, "Bel~, Bel~~!"

Bel glanced at her, "Yes Nikki?"

"Rikki um… There's a creepy guy lookin' at ya funny."

Bel looked around. Through his blond locks he found that creepy guy sitting on a stool in the corner—burly man with a cigarette and foreign clothing. The man stood up, "You, kid!"

Bel stood his ground, all young'uns hiding behind him, "Ushishishi~, yeah?"

The man spit out his ciggy and lit another, "You're Varia huh?"

Bel shrugged, "What of it?" Then it came to him. He's seen this man before. Yup, on a mission to kill his Famiglia's Boss. Whoops…

The man charged at him with a knife, "I'll fix your flint!" Before Bel could even pull out his knives, the man hit an invisible wall. "What in—? D-D-Darn… An illusion?"

When he fell, Mammon appeared and looked at Bel, "Hn, I knew you'll get into trouble. That's why I followed you."

"Mammon!" The twins said.

Rikki puffed her cheeks, "Aw~ I wanna use my powers too!"

Nikki replied, "You can't yet. Big Squalo said so."

Flan grabbed the Arcobaleno and put him on his wool hat. "There," he said.

"Hn… You'll owe me for that," Mammon said, looking at Flan. "Bel, let's go back. It's getting late."

Bel took the twins' hands again, "Ushishishi~, you're right. Let's go."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Next chaper coming soon! Sank you for reading**


End file.
